Saturday, July 24, 2004

Sometimes I wonder...

Where would I be if I had stayed in law school and stuck it out?  It's actually not so much wondering, because I know the answer.  I would be still living in Fayetteville, Arkansas, alone.  I guess what I wonder about is if I would still be miserable.  And my best guess is a resounding "YYYYYYES", done in my very best Marv Albert voice.  The University of Arkansas School of Law was simply not for me.  It wasn't that I was particularly bad at it; on the contrary, I did well in my time there.  It just made me absolutely, dreadfully miserable.  The combination of all that work, and stress, and being alone, and getting no real satisfaction out of anything because I knew deep down in my heart that I don't want to practice law?  Kind of punched my ticket. 

So after deciding that I'm happy I'm not still in law school, the proper thing to wonder is if I'm better off now.  I'm living in Little Rock, working a job that I'm completely overqualified and underpaid for, I drive a POS car (that is fucking PURPLE, mind you), and I'm much more likely to spend the last ten bucks in my wallet on beer than food or gasoline. 

And then I realize OF COURSE I'm better off.  I am constantly surrounded by some of the best friends that anybody could ask for.  The reason that I am so broke is due to having so much fun with them.  They (and beer, in tandem) have the wonderful ability to make a shitty situation in life lots and lots of fun.  I wouldn't be nearly as bad off financially if it weren't for everyone else, but then, I wouldn't be as happy, either.

See?  It's all about allowing yourself to enjoy life.  That's all you have to do.

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

I've been pensive tonight. 

One of those rare nights when you find yourself home all alone, and you don't feel like being wild, and you don't feel like watching television, or surfing the web.  Content to lay on the couch and contemplate life and the mysteries surrounding it.  Then, after fifteen minutes of that, you go pick up some Fazoli's, grub down,  and head to the bar.  Which is what I did.  But my heart wasn't in it.  And my contemplation of life, short though it may have been, was productive.  And fulfilling.

One of those nights where all it takes to get you smiling is the right song on the radio.  Nothing was particularly great about today, but nothing was bad.  I wasn't hyper today.  I didn't make people laugh as much as I usually like to.  People repeatedly asked me what was wrong, which is funny, because I was in the middle of a good day. 

Life is something that is meant to be enjoyed, and not survived.  This is something that I am slowly realizing.  And the funny thing is, all you have to do to enjoy life is to stop trying to survive it.  Enjoyment begins as soon as you allow yourself to do so.  It doesn't take effort.  Maybe that's why it's so hard to grasp. 

For the past two days, I have allowed myself to enjoy little things in life, when in the past, I might have been so preoccupied with other things that I wouldn't have allowed myself to do so.  I talked to my brother last night for the first time in months.  A very small thing, but it was GREAT to hear from him.  Today, while I was bartending, I had a wonderful conversation with a very sweet girl named Mindy.  Tonight, while I was driving home, I kept hearing song after song that I wanted to sing along with.  So I did, unabashedly.  And it was good.

The plan, newly devised, is that if I can allow myself to immensely enjoy such trivial things as a phone call from my brother, a ten-minute chat with a stranger, and a song on the radio, then I'll be in the right frame of mind to create even greater things for myself to enjoy.  A new job.  Closer relationships with my friends.  Meeting the right girl.  Or getting her back, whichever is meant to be. 

I'm also getting in bed before midnight.  Which is grrrrrrrrrreat.

 

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

I wonder if Kenny the Mormon Machine is still rolling along on Jeopardy! For the record, I'm really not that excited about the show, but if you're a stickler for getting things right, and I am, the title of the show includes an exclamation mark. Or is it an explanation point...?

Sometimes you're in a mood to write, and sometimes you're not. Right now, all I can think about is the fact that I have to make about $600 before the end of the month in order to pay all my bills. That's a lot for me. And it means that I won't be able too drink much beer. And that makes me sad.

So I'll be creative tomorrow. If I feel like it.

Monday, July 12, 2004

Semi-Drunken Ramblings

My new shoes are even more comfy than they are cool-looking! And they look DAMN cool. Thanks again, Mom!

I went to the rock show tonight. Got there way early to get a good spot, and surprisingly enough, the opening band @ Juanita's didn't suck. They're called Ligion, out of Nashville, Tennessee, and they rocked out. A metal band. But different. It's like they're a metal band who doesn't really want to be a metal band. Poppunk power chords, only metallized. Emoesque harmonies, only metallized. And they covered Lady In Red. No self-respecting metal band can cover that song. But they did. And it was cool.

The headliners were a little band I like to call Seven Mary Three. Love 'em. Rock Crown is one of my favorite albums ever, and American Standard and the Orange album aren't too shabby, neither. This show was kind of weak, in my opinion. They didn't play nearly as much older stuff as they did last time, but I can't fault them for trying to get out their new album. They DID save face by doing an encore set comprised of Times Like These, Cumbersome, and Sunday Girl. I couldn't believe that 7M3 busted out with some obscure STP, but they did, and it was killer. Good times.

Turns out the condoms I bought last night were not put to use. Tank. BUT...turns out Don Juan has scored himself a date with an amatuer porn star for later on this week. My purchase might not have gone in vain. Updates to follow.

One last thing. I realized that I have conditioned my ass to sit a certain way in order to accomodate the obscene size of my wallet. I tried putting my wallet in my back left pocket today...just for shits and giggles, y'know? Not only was it weird, and uncomfortable, but it HURT. Apparently the muscles in my right cheek have atrophied to make room for a hunk of dead Holstein that holds very, very little cash. The revelation was a little disturbing. And for reasons unbeknownst to me, it makes me a little sad, too.

Tomorrow I'm off. The goal? Spend less than five dollars. Our energy bill was $125 this month, and I spent waaaaaay too much getting drunk and not hooking up tonight.

Sunday, July 11, 2004

Alpha

I've decided I want to be a writer. A writer of what, one might ask. Well, a blog, for the moment. Other than that, who knows? This will get me putting down thoughts, however, which I haven't done. Ever. Which is kind of not-so-good for somebody who thinks they want to write for a living. I wonder Vegas would set as the over/under on Blogging bartender to Pulitzer Prize winner....

The plan is that this will be a place to write down everything I thought when somebody wasn't around that I think is cool and funny. Got that? Guaranteed to be phenomenally dreary and boring as hell, but since when is watching somebody motivate themself interesting?

Tonight I watched The Butterfly Effect, and it freaked me right the hell out. Maybe that's why I'm starting a blog now, at 1:00 in the morning. Anyway, it was grrrrrreat, except for the sadassed ending. Who would have known that you could make a movie about Chaos Theory that was not about dinosaurs? I kept waiting for Dr. Ian Malcom to pop up and start selling me a p-p-p-powerbook.

I also got new shoes today! Depending on gender and sexual preference, this could either be more or less exciting than watching a movie starring Ashton Kutchar that doesn't include the word "Dude" in the title. I'm a little weirded out by the fact that I'm more excited about the shoes, seeing as how I'm a) a guy. and b) straight. They're Dr. Martens, and my mommy bought them for me. They're also the third pair I've owned in eight years, reinforcing my belief that they are the most durable shoes ever made. My previous pairs have been through hell, highwater, and lots and lots of water, as well as an absurd amount of grease. Fish restaurants are not good for shoes. Write that down.

So I bought condoms today. Doesn't sound terribly exciting, does it? It wasn't. But I am a virgin. And it was a favor for a friend. So that makes it at least a little more exciting than most contraceptive purchases. I made sure to brush up on my condom-buying ettiquite protocol before I...did the deed. Word is still out on whether or not that purchase was made in vain.

Now I'm tired. And my laundry is ready to be put into the dryer. And I have to work a double tomorrow. I think I'll stop typing now.