Wednesday, July 21, 2004

I've been pensive tonight. 

One of those rare nights when you find yourself home all alone, and you don't feel like being wild, and you don't feel like watching television, or surfing the web.  Content to lay on the couch and contemplate life and the mysteries surrounding it.  Then, after fifteen minutes of that, you go pick up some Fazoli's, grub down,  and head to the bar.  Which is what I did.  But my heart wasn't in it.  And my contemplation of life, short though it may have been, was productive.  And fulfilling.

One of those nights where all it takes to get you smiling is the right song on the radio.  Nothing was particularly great about today, but nothing was bad.  I wasn't hyper today.  I didn't make people laugh as much as I usually like to.  People repeatedly asked me what was wrong, which is funny, because I was in the middle of a good day. 

Life is something that is meant to be enjoyed, and not survived.  This is something that I am slowly realizing.  And the funny thing is, all you have to do to enjoy life is to stop trying to survive it.  Enjoyment begins as soon as you allow yourself to do so.  It doesn't take effort.  Maybe that's why it's so hard to grasp. 

For the past two days, I have allowed myself to enjoy little things in life, when in the past, I might have been so preoccupied with other things that I wouldn't have allowed myself to do so.  I talked to my brother last night for the first time in months.  A very small thing, but it was GREAT to hear from him.  Today, while I was bartending, I had a wonderful conversation with a very sweet girl named Mindy.  Tonight, while I was driving home, I kept hearing song after song that I wanted to sing along with.  So I did, unabashedly.  And it was good.

The plan, newly devised, is that if I can allow myself to immensely enjoy such trivial things as a phone call from my brother, a ten-minute chat with a stranger, and a song on the radio, then I'll be in the right frame of mind to create even greater things for myself to enjoy.  A new job.  Closer relationships with my friends.  Meeting the right girl.  Or getting her back, whichever is meant to be. 

I'm also getting in bed before midnight.  Which is grrrrrrrrrreat.



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